Majestic Fucking Monster

Today as I walked around the grocery store I continued to run into the same lady over and over again. I ended up in line two people behind her, but the guy in front of me decided he wanted to continue shopping. When I stepped up to the register the lady’s groceries were still there, but she was nowhere to be found. The cashier told me she had forgot her card in the car and ran to go get it. I told him “I’ll pay for it”. He said “Are you sure?!”. “Yes, it’s only $35.00”. The cashier and the girl bagging both told me how blessed I was going to be for paying for the lady’s groceries. The lady finally came back with the card and the cashier told her I paid for her food. The lady said “damn for real, I only went to get my card real quick; thank you”. She offered to pay me back, but I declined.

Everybody thought I was this kind hero with a big heart, but truth be told….. I’m the asshole that wanted her to get the fuck out of my way because I’m impatient (LMAO). It pays to be on the right side of someone’s “ain’t shit” ways.

Happy Holidays!!!!!

WOMEN DON’T LIKE OTHER WOMEN

WOMEN DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER

 

I was watching a video of two women discussing why women in general have so many problems with other women. As I’m watching the video a woman walks past and says (in a judgmental tone) “what are you watching?!?! I told her what the video was about, and out of nowhere she started going in about how the girl on the video looked weird, a hippie, what’s on her nose (jewelry), why is she dressed sexy if she’s outside in the rain throwing an axe (during the video it showed a previous clip of the girl enjoying nature)….. I mean the woman walking past as I watched the video was going in!!!… I’m like bitch they talking about females like you 😐

 

I never really got along with other women either because I’m usually surrounded by women like the one who was walking past me talking shit… I’m the type of woman who will walk outside in the rain with no hesitation while all the other women pileup by the door as if they’re expecting this shit to stop in the next 15 secs 🤨

 

I think if I would’ve grown up in a different environment I would’ve had female friends. I wouldn’t mind having dope female friends now, but i’m too weird to find female friends in my normal daily life. I’d have to do some odd shit like take a trip to the jungle to find the type of women I’d likely make good friends with 🤣…. I’d rather be friends with the women in the video throwing an axe, talking about personal development 😁

“Sit Yo Five Dolla A$$ Down, Before I Make Change!!!” ~ (Nino Brown)

Defending the ego is something I’ve repeatedly fallen into over the course of the day. I’m good at not getting off topic when directly discussing my own shortcomings, but I tend to defend my ego when I speak in general terms about non-specific issues I feel like everyone has….. If someone told me I’m cold-hearted. I’d acknowledge the validity of where their assessment stemmed from, but if that same person said “too many people are egotistical”. I’d definitely feel the need to let them know THEIR EGO is also a problem. The first statement about me being cold-hearted was a direct observation about me, therefore I can take it (okay, sure). The second statement about egotistical people, was a general remark that they attempted to exclude themselves from (NAH BITCH, you’re egotistical too).

I “let them know” because I think people (them included) in general are naturally better at pointing out flaws in others, but wont acknowledge those same flaws in themselves.

I was just trying to keep them true about their own weakness. Everyone should be able to admit their faults if they can point out the imperfections of others. I have no problem highlighting my deficiencies….. BUT….. Is that what I was doing when I reminded them that they’re equally egotistical???? OR was I just simply trying to put their ass in check!!! The true intent of my words is something the world may never know (lol)….

I think it’s a little bit of both. Part of me wants to prompt them to think about ways they may be egotistical, and another part of me is sitting there chanting “GET EM”. I think there are so many things we do in our daily communication that we genuinely believe are intended to be helpful, but are rinsed with our own personal bullshit. It all comes from a good place (supposedly); but maybe I should try to just focus on me. Learn to allow people to be wherever they are in their development. All I have to do is stand in my own truth and be free. I’m grateful I have the ability to notice my own “ain’t shit” ways and rectify them.

ERRBODY TRIP’N: Does it make you a better woman?

The art of balancing your life when one area of your life is exciting and you’re tackling goals 😄 with other areas of your life where EVERYBODY got you f’d up 😕🤬

 

Life is giving me no shortages of opportunity to demonstrate growth. I have two options; use these ISSUES as an excuse to resort back to old behavior or use these OPPORTUNITIES to exercise my new sense of character. Let us all pray I make the right decisions ☺️

 

The hardest part right now is not reacting too quickly, and dealing with my lack of response. We often feel like we have to respond. It’s been picking away at me. I’m not responding to negative things when I feel like I have a reason…. Example: a few ppl have been being rather rude toward me and they have been boosting each other up on trying to punk me 🤨 (just when I’m trying to turn this leaf).

 

Now what if that’s not what’s happening…. What if a few ppl have been trying to out due my energy, and they’ve been supporting one another in standing up to me 🤔

 

OLD ME:

“Nah, the fact they’re trying to one up my shit is a problem, and i’m about to fuck them up” 😠

 

NEW ME:

“Don’t respond…. Feel it, and handle it in a mature way. It’s not that serious. Chill.”

 

I’ve been flipping back and forth between the two repeatedly. The old me has been getting more floor time mentally, but the new me has been executing physically.

 

I’ve been brainstorming the appropriate ways to respond. The old me has been pressuring the new me to have all the answers. The old me definitely got all the solutions (dafuq!!)….. But the new me needs time to figure out how to handle these situations appropriately…. If you don’t give your new self time to develop those few ppl won’t be the only ones trying to punk you. The old you will also try to punk you into responding with aggression.

 

It’s hard work, but acting a fool like them won’t make you a better woman….. Leave it.

GRANDMA GET YOUR HAND OUT MY POCKET

I was running out the house for work and my car wouldn’t start. I assume my battery went dead because I accidentally left something on the previous night. I knock on my neighbor’s door at 7:40am to ask for a jump. An African woman answers and gives me her car keys. I quickly pull the cables out of my trunk and start connecting them. Her car is weird af; it doesn’t have a ground connector on her battery. I don’t know what to do, so she tells me to go get another neighbor (an African man) to help us. I go get the second neighbor at 7:50am. That’s two neighbors doors I’ve knocked on before 8:00am. He comes out, and thank god he knows the solution. We connect the cables and wait for the car to get a charge. The lady is back in the house by this time, and he also goes inside. I finally get my car to start. I disconnect everything tell her thanks and speed off to work.

I came back home later that day and knock on her door again. Some kids answer. I hear a old lady inside. I give $10.00 to the kids and tell them to give it to their mother for giving me a jump. The grandma gets up, takes the money from the kids, and tries to hand it back to me…. I just look at her 🤨….. grandma said “she is my daughter, she will not accept this!”….. I continue to look at her 🤨 I couldn’t walk away because she was talking to me. Grandma grabs my pocket, opens it, and puts the money in it…. Did she just run my pockets, in reverse. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to touch strangers pockets ma’am.

It was pretty dope to see the grandma unwilling to accept my gratitude. You don’t see that every day. I mean it was only $10.00.

Crying At the Bus Stop

There’s been a lot that happened over the last couple of weeks. I help host a local jazz event and met some cool people there. I also had a few mishaps with messy drama revolving around work.

The best thing that happened in the past couple of weeks; I had a male associate contact me about possibly donating a coat to a young lady he saw crying at a bus stop with a two year old. I had a really nice looking coat that was in great condition, so I agreed to allow her to have it. I also had a pair of boots in my closet from almost two years ago that I never wore. I went to the store and bought a couple sweatshirts to put underneath the coat to block the wind from coming up. The male associate also got a couple of hotels to agree on letting her have a room for a couple nights while I guess they look for more perm housing. Furthermore, he convinced his father to transfer one of his old cars over to her; which I thought was pretty remarkable.

He’s really going out of his way to help this woman (25) with getting her life back on track. I hope she gets where she needs to go and that the best comes out of this situation. I normally don’t share when I participate in “charity” type of events, because I think it defeats the purpose of why you did it…. I thought it might be a pretty good story to share about his generosity above mine.

Ambition = Aggression

Some people are terrorized by their egos, but I’m terrorized by my ambition. My ambition has always been extremely strong and I’ve struggled with how to release that energy as an adult. When I was a little girl it was easy to find a release. I had school to serve as the go to…. School is setup to provide constant feedback on how well you’re doing and if you’re accelerating at (what then would be considered) life. Now that I’m grown I haven’t always been able to scratch that ambitious itch.

It’s been really difficult to adjust to not having something to focus my energy into; and being able to really control the outcome rather instantly. I try to do other things, but they never seem to calm me. It’s hard to focus because my mind is always racing and I get bored all the time. I know I’ll have to find something that will allow me to have that release of achievement, and also provide me the opportunity to do what I love (communicate).

Please send help!!!

My ambition has really taking over, and it’s making me aggressive because I don’t know how to focus it.

Developing Spiritually

I started this page a long time ago and I have written many posts that were never published. A part of me kind of wish I would have posted everything I wrote. Only about 5%-10% were published. I think it would’ve been extremely dope to see how much my opinions an overall approach has changed over the years.

I’m 27 now and I have a desire to develop spiritually. I’m not sure where this will take me, but I feel damn good about it. I’m trying to stop using so much profanity, I think it provokes me to be more aggressive in an unhealthy way.

I obviously never been extremely good at actually utilizing this account. I’m hoping I can keep up and share my experience with everyone. I’m currently in a place where my ego no longer serves me and I need to replace my mentality into something more mature for a woman approaching her thirties. I’ve added a layer of sophistication and I want to make sure I embody my growth.

Now is the time for a little solitude and self discovery…. Class is in Session.

 

​ATTRACTIVE MEN ARE FUCKING BORING!!!!!

When I say attractive I’m referring to pretty much all good looking men and ugly men who have a considerable amount of women for whatever reason. I don’t mind starting a convo, BUT DAMN! They just expect to set back and be entertained by my keen wit thee entire fucking time…. 

ME: “Muthafucka you’re not going to return the favor?!?!” 

Then they’ll randomly hit you with that indecisive “what you tryna do?” line…. They’ll say it in a way that’s suggestive and shyly open to interpretation…. “Please don’t throw out any innuendo sir, because I can assure you I’d rather fuck a more interesting man.”

AND they automatically assume you want to have sex with them as much as they want to have sex with you…. “You want to fuck the shit out of me because I’ve given you a reason; your mundane ass haven’t given me any reason to even like you. I guess I’m supposed to like you, because you like me????”

HIM: “sooo… you really not turned on at all?!”…. 

ME: “I mean…. I’m good.”

THE HONEST ANSWER: “Am I turned on at the fact there is hard dick across the table that desires me…. Yeah, that’s kind of cute…. But I wouldn’t say I’m turned on by you, as a man. I’m not fighting back the urge to smuggle your balls inside my fucking cheeks if that’s what you’re asking.”

I’m bout to start just flat out telling niggas they boring aa fuck…. From here on out you muthafuckas are NOT SAFE! You’ve been warned 😠

​FAMILY VIEWS

I had someone in my family accuse me of being stubborn and holding a grudge. Furthest thing from the truth…. Had another family member say I hang my good deeds over everyone’s head. Furthest thing from the truth again…. Ppl have no idea how much I forgive ppl on a daily basis and how much shit I do without recognition. Depending on who you talk to you’ll hear extremely different stories about my character. I love my family, but if I passed today I think they might actually know the least about me, but everyone will look to them to honor my existence.

I wish at least one person on earth will know the true me. My family not knowing who I really am is NOT solely their fault. I intentionally tell them the minimum about myself. I learned to live in the shawdows a long long time ago. I honestly don’t want anyone speaking on my behalf when I’m dead; therefore I am charging myself to create something that can speak for itself. 

It’s not about NOT wanting the negative aspects of my identity to surface, because truthfully I wear my flaws on my fucking sleeves…. I have always isolated myself (even as a child) to the point that at least 65% – 95% of my time is/was spent physically alone. There’s no way in hell my family could have known me considering I locked myself in my room majority of the time. My family must have only seen me maybe 35% of the time (at the most). They don’t know me well enough to speak on my character anymore than anyone else (non related) does….

I didn’t lock myself away as a child because I didn’t like them. I locked myself away because I preferred solitude. Nonetheless, they don’t fucking know me.